Some General Characteristics of Codependency

Instructions: Read through the following general characteristics and place a mark by the ones that you identify with—the ones that make sense to you.  Then write down a few examples of how you identify with those characteristics.

Example:

Sample Characteristic: I think and feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants needs, wellbeing, lack of well-being and ultimate destiny.

How I identify with these feelings/behaviors (in order words, how I often respond):

1) I tend to pay for other people’s bills (or mistakes).  I tend to not allow them to pay their own way; instead I tend to “bail them out”.

2) I’m concerned that if I tell someone the truth about how I really feel, that they will feel bad and it will be my fault (as if I have the power to “make” people choose their feelings). AND they might abandon or reject me.  Then I would feel very much ashamed.

Caretaking Codependents may:

Think and feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants needs, wellbeing, lack of well-being and ultimate destiny.

Feel anxiety, pity and guilt when other people have a problem.

Feel compelled almost forced to help that person solve their problems, such as offering unsolicited (unwanted) advice, giving rapid fire suggestions, or trying to “fix” the feelings or situations of others.

Try hard to anticipate other people’s feelings (or obsess over how they assume other people feel or might feel).

Be confused or mystified as to why other people don’t try to help them the way they try to help others—or, become resentful when there is no reciprocation—that is, no helping back.

Feel angry when their help is not appreciated or effective.

Find themselves saying, “yes”, when they mean “no”.  Or doing things they do not really want to be doing.  Or, doing more than their fair share of work, and or, especially, doing things other people could/should be doing for themselves.

Not know what they want or need—or if they do,  they tend to tell themselves that what they want or need isn’t important.

Try to please others instead of or at the expense of themselves.

Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves.

Feel safest when giving.

Feel insecure and or guilty when others give to them (or find it hard to accept help from others).

Feel sad because they spend their lives giving to others and nobody gives back.

Find themselves attracted to needy people (or addicted people).

Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they do not have a crisis in their lives, or a problem to solve, or someone to help.

Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.

Overcommit themselves (and then feel bad about not being able to keep all their commitments)

Feel rushed, harried or pressured.

Believe deep inside that other people are actually obligated and somehow responsible to or for them.

Blame others for how they feel and their condition or life situation.

Believe or say that others make them feel the way they do (other people cause the codependent to feel the way they do).

Believe other people are making them crazy.

Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used.

Find (or notice) that other people become impatient or angry (or sarcastic or hostile) with them for many of the preceding general characteristics.

Low Self-Worth Codependents may:

               Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional family backgrounds and structures.

               Deny their family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional.

               Blame themselves for virtually everything.

Pick on or put themselves down for just about everything and anything: their appearance, their feelings, their actions—virtually, everything is seen as a mistake or stupid.

Get angry or defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize them—something they do to themselves.

Reject compliments or praise (or dismiss it somehow).

Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise.

Feel different or uniquely isolated and disconnected from others—not knowing how to connect in a healthy, effective adult manner.

Think they are not quite good enough.

Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing “unnecessary” or fun things for themselves.

Fear rejection (rejection is rooted in shame)

Take things, situations, conditions, circumstances, words from others, personally.

Have been victims of physical, emotional, mental, sexual or spiritual abuse; and or neglect, abandonment, or addiction/compulsive behaviors of significant others (parents, caregivers).

Feel like victims.

Tell themselves they can’t do anything right.

Be afraid of making mistakes and wonder why they have such a tough time making decisions—they expect themselves to do things perfectly (the first time).

Wonder why they can’t get anything done to their satisfaction.

Have a lot of “should” operating in their minds and decisions.

Feel a lot of guilt—whether at fault or not.

Think their lives aren’t worth living (loving).

Try to help others live their lives instead (or living vicariously through other’s lives).

Feel ashamed of who they are.

Get artificial feelings of self-worth by helping others.

Get strong feelings of low self-worth, embarrassment, failure, etc., from other people’s failures and problems.

Wish good things would happen to them.

Believe good things will never happen to them.

Believe they don’t deserve good things and happiness.

Wish other people would like and love them.

Believe other people couldn’t possibly like and love them (“especially if they really knew them” the biggest lie of shame).

Try to prove they are good enough to other people.

Settle for being “needed”.

Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and or worrying about other people or problems.

Abandon their routine because they are so upset about something or somebody.

Focus all their energy on other people and problems (exhaust themselves emotionally).

Wonder why they never have any energy.

Wonder why they cannot get things done.

Wonder why they are not appreciated (loved and accepted).

Repression, Codependents may:

Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear or guilt or shame.

Become afraid to let themselves be who they are.

Appear rigid and controlled.

Obsession, Codependents may:

               Feel terribly anxious about problems and people.

Worry about seemingly trivial things (or place the same amount of worry for small things and major items—not able to make a distinction about what to really be concerned and focused on).

Think and talk a lot about other people.

Lose sleep over problems or other people’s behavior.

Worry, wonder, wish and wait…

Never find answers (or never satisfied with answers).

Check on people (go overboard here).

Try to catch others in acts of misbehavior.

Controlling, Codependents may:

Have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependent to be sorrowful and perpetually disappointed.

Become afraid to let others know who they are and allow events to happen naturally.

Do not see or deal with their fear of loss of control.

Think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave (for all time and under all circumstances—especially when the codependent doesn’t have all the facts or wasn’t an eyewitness).

Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, shaming, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.

Eventually fail in their efforts or provoke other people’s anger.

Get frustrated and angry.

Feel controlled by events and people.

Denial, Codependents tend to:

                Ignore problems or pretend they are not happening.

Pretend circumstances are not as bad as they are—telling themselves things will be better tomorrow (without making any changes).

Stay busy so they don’t have to think about things.

Get confused and stay there.

Get depressed or sick.

Go to doctors for sedatives, pain relievers, etc.

Become workaholics

Spend money compulsively.

Overeat

Pretend “those” things aren’t happening either.

Watch problems get worse.

Believe lies (or ignore obvious falsehood in order to “keep the peace”).

Lie to themselves—or bolster against negative feelings with falsehoods.

Wonder why they feel like they are going crazy.

Dependency, Many Codependents may:

               Do not feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves (aren’t comfortable in their own skin).

               Look for happiness outside themselves.

               Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.

               Feel terribly threatened by the loss of anything or person they think provides their happiness.

Did not feel love and approval (acceptance) from their parents or caregivers (or other significant people while growing up).

Do not love themselves.

Believe other people can’t or don’t love them (that they are unlovable and unworthy—don’t deserve love and acceptance, but instead deserve rejection and disconnection).

Equate love with pain (or inconvenience or undue obligation—or a hassle in general).

Feel they need people more than they want them.

Try to prove (over and over again) that they are good enough to be loved.

Do not take the time to see if other people are good for them (their relationship “picker” is broke or not properly developed for healthy selections).

Worry whether other people like or love them.

Do not take the time to figure out if they love or like other people.

Center their lives (and commitments) around other people.

Look to relationships (and the approval of others) to provide all their good feelings.

Lose interest in their own lives (lose themselves) when they love or like others.

Worry other people will leave them (abandonment fears—fear of rejection).

Do not believe they can take care of themselves.

Stay in relationships that do not work.

Tolerate abuse to keep people “loving” them (fearing rejection and abandonment).

Feel trapped in bad relationships.

Leave bad relationships, but invariably form new ones that are just as bad or worse than the one they left.

Wonder if they will ever find true love (they tend to give all their power away to others).

Poor Communication, Codependents frequently:

               Blame (blame others for how they feel and their situations in life).

               Threaten—coerce.

               Beg or bribe or both.

Advise (try to fix everyone and everything—usually without being asked for advice and without any firsthand knowledge of what the other person is facing).

Don’t say what they mean (try to say what they think the other person wants to hear, so that the other person will like them).

Don’t always know what they mean (usually reacting to what was said).

Don’t take themselves seriously (or take themselves too seriously—very little balance—all or nothing thinking and very high or very low feelings).

Think other people don’t take them seriously (feeling disrespected by others—generally, because of the conditioning to take everything personally).

Trying to make needs or wants known by “sighing” as opposed to simply speaking up and voicing their needs, etc.

Find it difficult to get to the point (often explaining off in the weeds and rabbit trails—usually adding irrelevant material).

Aren’t sure what the point is.

Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired result or effect (without necessarily knowing if that is needed or is a value at all).

Try to say what they think will please others.

Try to say what they think will provoke people.

 Try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do.

Eliminate “no” from their vocabulary.

Talk too much.

Talk about other people.

Avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings and thoughts. (but usually have no problem complaining and griping about things, but without offering any effective solutions to their problems or challenges).

Say everything is their fault—or conversely, nothing is their fault.

Believe their opinions do not matter.

Wait to express their opinions until they know other people’s opinions.

Lie to protect and cover-up for people they love.

Lie to protect themselves.

Have a difficult time asserting their rights.

Have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.

Think most of what they have to say is unimportant.

Begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading or hostile ways (constant negative internal narrative).

Apologize for bothering people.

Weak Boundaries, Codependents frequently:

                Say they will not tolerate certain behaviors from other people.

Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would.

Let others hurt them (without saying “ouch” or moving away from that relationship or setting boundaries).

Keep letting people hurt them. (stay in hurtful relationships, because it is their “normal”)

Wonder why they feel so hurt.

Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stay in hurtful situations.

Finally get angry and then become totally intolerant.

Lack of Trust, Codependents:

               Do not trust themselves.

               Do not trust their feelings (actually, they are generally not aware of their feelings).

               Do not trust their decisions (feel incompetent).

               Do not trust other people (or invariably trust the wrong people and distrust the right ones).

               Think God has abandoned them.

               Lose faith and trust in God.

Anger, many Codependents:

               Feel very scared, hurt and angry (but they might not be able to express how they feel).

               Live with people who are very scared, hurt and angry.

               Are afraid of their own anger (and most strong emotional states).

Are frightened of other people’s anger (they tend to take it as pointed at them and that they are at fault for the other person’s emotional state).

Think they will be abandoned if others are angry with them (fear of rejection—shame of abandonment).

Think other people make them feel angry. (other are in charge of their emotional state/choice).

Are afraid to make other people feel anger.

Feel controlled by other people’s anger.

Repress their angry feelings.

Cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, undereat, get sick, do mean or nasty things to get even, or blow up into violent temper outbursts.

Punish other people for making them (the codependent) angry.

Feel shame for feeling angry (or for other strong emotions).

Place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.

Feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.

Feel safer with their anger then with their hurt feelings—wonder if they will ever not be angry.

Sex Problems, Some Codependents:

               Are “caretakers” in the bedroom.

               Have sex when they do not want to.

               Have sex when they would rather be held, nurtured and loved.

               Try to have sex when they are angry or hurt.

               Refuse to enjoy sex because they are angry at their partner.

               Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.

               Withdraw emotionally from their partner.

               Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.

               Do not talk about it.

               Force themselves to have sex anyway.

               Reduce sex to a technical act.

               Lose interest in sex.

               Make up reasons to abstain.

               Wish their sex partner would die, go away or become aware of the codependent’s feelings.

               Have strong sexual fantasies about other people.

               Consider or have extramarital affair(s).

Miscellaneous, Codependents tend to:

               Be extremely responsible.

               Or, be extremely irresponsible.

Become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that do not require sacrifice.

               Find it difficult to feel close to people.

               Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.

               Have an overall passive (or aloof) response to codependency crying, hurt and helplessness.

               Have an overall aggressive response to codependency violence, anger, dominance.

               Combine passive and aggressive responses.

               Vacillate in decisions and emotions.

               Laugh when they feel like crying.

               Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.

               Be ashamed about family, personal or relationship problems.

               Be confused about the nature of their problems/situations.

               Cover up, lie and protect the problem (or problem people).

Not seek help because they tell themselves that the problem isn’t bad enough or that they aren’t important enough.

Wonder why (are confused) as to why the “problem” won’t go away.

Progressive in the later stages of codependency, codependents may:

               Feel lethargic (tired all the time).

               Feel depressed.

               Become withdrawn and isolated.

Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure (or stop doing things they used to enjoy).

Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.

Feel hopeless.

Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.

Think about suicide.

Become violent.

Become seriously emotionally, mentally or physically, or spiritually ill.

Experience overeating or undereating.

Become addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.